


Honey whiskey

by 5021ZAIN



Series: Chuckles and Goldilocks... and Freckles! [4]
Category: Chicago PD (TV)
Genre: F/M, Family, How Do I Tag, Hurt/Comfort, I Don't Even Know, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Upstead, lol, moustead - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-03
Updated: 2020-11-03
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:35:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,726
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27367402
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/5021ZAIN/pseuds/5021ZAIN
Summary: Jay says his last goodbye to his friend and manages to find some closure with the help of some brown liquor – and Hailey's, of course.(Following to "If you reading this it's too late")
Relationships: Greg "Mouse" Gerwitz/Jay Halstead, Jay Halstead & Hailey Upton, Jay Halstead/Hailey Upton
Series: Chuckles and Goldilocks... and Freckles! [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1925497
Comments: 3
Kudos: 41





	Honey whiskey

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: mention of depression, mention of suicide.  
> CONTENT WARNING: alcohol.
> 
> disclaimer: I (unfortunately) don't own Jay Halstead, Hailey Upton, Greg "Mouse" Gerwitz or Will Halstead, they're all Dick Wolf's puppies.
> 
> \--  
> You can read it separetly, but I think it's better if you read my other os "If you're reading this it's too late" for more clarity.

**W** hy did it always rain at funerals? It was a question Jay had often – way too often – asked himself.

It was Sunday morning, three days after Voight had told him _the_ news. During the last couple of days, Jay had taken charge and decided he would be the one to organize Mouse's funeral, since he was the only person close to him: Greg's parent had passed away, and he didn't really have relatives he was close too – at least not to Jay's knowledge.

It was a military funeral and, although Mouse didn't die on the field, Jay had managed to pull some strings – with the help of Voight as well – and make things happen. Mouse had dedicated his life to fight for his Country, the least he deserved was for It to pay him the respects he'd earned and properly say goodbye.

Jay was looking at the gray sky, his brows furrowed in a pensive expression; the ceremony was over and now the attending crowd was getting smaller and smaller.  
He glanced at the spot in which Mouse's casket had been buried and heavily exhaled, freeing a breath he didn't realize he was holding until then.

Hailey, who was standing right beside him, had her hand on his shoulder, caressing it in back and forth movements. She was secretly checking on him now and then, but Jay seemed calm. That was actually the calmer she'd seen him since they'd gotten the news.

The both of them turned around when, "Hey," Adam said, the rest of the Intelligence unit behind him.

Hailey shot a sad smile at her friends and colleagues, she hadn't had the chance to say hi to them earlier because she was too focused on quietly following Jay around and make sure he was okay.

"Thanks for coming, guys," the blonde spoke on Jay's behalf as well and after sharing some quick hugs, the couple was left alone.

It was now only Jay and Hailey at the cemetery. The blonde observed her fiance as he was checking his surroundings; the freckles on his nose were lit by the few sun rays that were fighting to shine among the dark and heavy clouds.  
Hailey didn't dare to utter a word when he saw Jay walk towards Mouse's grave, but followed him in silence.

Mouse's gravestone wasn't anything too fancy, it was very formal instead and honestly didn't really align with his bubbly personality – but Jay couldn't really complain.

Jay crouched down and noticed he wasn't used to wearing his military gear anymore. It'd been a long time since he’d last worn it and it wasn't as comfortable as he remembered – it probably never was.  
He glanced at Mouse's photo in the frame and sighed, his jaw clenched.

Hailey’s eyes were focused on him from just a few steps afar, enough for Jay to have his last moment with his friend without her being in the middle of it.

Jay looked at his friend's face on the photo one last time and closed his eyes, feeling a familiar lump in his throat. The thing was, though, he had no tears left to cry, besides the physical need to do so.

Staring at his friend's picture... it brought up all the memories they shared together: the first time they met and the excitement they felt went they figured they came from the same town, the time they spent getting to know one another, the Humvee's explosion – Jay almost stopped breathing at _that_ particular memory , it was probably the moment that brought them closer – and then the return to Chicago.  
The two of them had been through so much together that wrapping his mind around the fact that Mouse was gone (not in Afghanistan, but _for good_ ) was still absurd to Jay. But it was also the sad truth, a truth he would eventually have to make peace with.

Jay let out a shaky breath and cleared his throat, then finally found the strength to get up. He turned around and met Hailey’s blue eyes: the blonde was silently asking him if he was okay – considering the circumstances, of course – and Jay slowly nodded and then approached her.  
Once he was next to her, Hailey placed her hand on his arm and squeezed it a bit. Jay slightly bent over and pressed his lips on her temple, leaving a quick but meaningful kiss: “'S go.”

They walked to the car and Jay went to the driver’s side: “Keys?” he asked Hailey, who searched through her black purse, taking out the car keys from it.  
They hopped in the vehicle and Jay started the car. The couple drove in silence, neither of them felt like talking and that was absolutely fine. Hailey could read Jay’s expression, though. She could tell a lot was on his mind, but she knew better than to push him to talk – he would eventually do it whenever he felt ready.

They arrived in front of Will’s house and Jay parked the car next to his brother’s. In no time, they were in front of the main door and Hailey rang the bell.  
They were greeted by the red-haired doctor, his three-months-old daughter in his arms – a sight that immediately brought a smile on both Jay and Hailey’s faces.  
  
“Hey, you two,” Will muttered, his lips forming a sad smile.

Jay nodded his way, gently squeezing his niece’s chubby cheek, then entered the house, leaving his brother and Hailey alone.

“How’s he doing?” he asked Hailey, though he regretted doing so immediately after. _Dumb question_ , he thought.

Hailey sighed heavily and pressed her lips together. “You know him,” she said matter-of-factually. “How’s this pretty lady?” she asked, making grabby hands at him. Will let her inside, closing the door behind them, and handed her his daughter, “This pretty lady doesn’t like to sleep at night,” he answered, tiredly chuckling.

“Hi, little Eileen,” Hailey secured the little one in her arms, carefully lifting her head, feeling her heart flutter. She honestly missed the feeling of holding a baby – of being around one in general –, but that’s a conversation for another day. Let’s just say that the thought of stealing Eileen had crossed her mind once or twice.  
Eileen adorably smiled at her aunt, quickly grabbing a hold of her wavy, gold locks and starting playing with them.

Hailey arrived in the living room and immediately saw her son. Sebastian was playing with Kohl, the dog Will had adopted a few years earlier, so he didn’t see her right away, but when he lifted his gaze up and noticed her presence, a big smile appeared on his freckled face. “Mommy!” he ran towards her, throwing his arms around her legs in a hug.

Hailey and Jay had asked Will and Andrea – who were happy to accept – if they could drop Sebastian at theirs for a few hours, just the right time for the ceremony to take place, since funerals weren’t really the appropriate place for kids to be around. _Especially_ military funerals.

Hailey adjusted Eileen in one arm, extending the other to caress her son’s hair. “Hey, Sebby, are you having fun with Kohl?” she greeted him, smiling the first genuine and happy smile of the day.  
Sebastian acknowledged her question by nodding vehemently and then went back playing with the dog – separating those two wasn’t going to be easy, Hailey already knew that.

“Thanks,” Hailey murmured when she was offered a glass of water by Will and, “Andrea?” she asked him after taking a sip.

“Hospital, she was called in about an hour ago,” Will explained, ruffling his untamed red hair.  
  
Hailey quietly observed him and couldn’t help but notice the tiredness on his face. “Yeah, I know I look like sh- cra- poop,” he commented trying to control his language and kind of voicing what he assumed Hailey was probably thinking.

She was about to respond but was interrupted by Sebastian’s loud giggle, “Mommy, uncle Will say poop!”, he pointed at him and continued laughing while Kohl happily licked his face.

“And what are you laughing about, uh?” Jay appeared from the bathroom and scooped his son in his arms, making the little one squeal. “Hi, buddy,” he tickled his sides, prolonging Sebastian’s laughter, and then put him down.  
Jay had changed into some blue jeans and a green t-shirt, which somehow enhanced the color of his eyes, and Hailey quickly checked him out, mentally protesting because he looked _exceptionally_ good in the military gear he had taken off.  
He sat on the couch, naturally placing his hand on Hailey’s thigh, and looked at his brother, “Damn, you don’t look good,” he chuckled, “Like at all,” he added.

“Thanks, nice seeing you too, Jay,” Will rolled his eyes and shook his head. He would’ve commented on the dark circles under Jay’s eyes, but knew better than to provoke him.  
  
Jay’s attention was caught by his niece little hands reaching out for him, she was now fussing in Hailey’s arms and it was clear she didn’t want to be in them anymore. “Yikes, you ditch me for him? I’m offended,” Hailey scoffed, but eventually gave the baby to Jay.

Eileen’s tiny hands immediately went on Jay’s beard, not bothered by the fact that it could sting her. “Hi, princess,” Jay smiled at her, kissing the tip of her nose and then placing her on his lap, making her sit and supporting her, so she wouldn’t fall.

Hailey and Will exchanged a look, as if they were thinking the same thing: Jay’s aura seemed to calm down and relax whenever he was around kids.  
It was also a concerned look, the two were wondering how long it was going to last, but neither of them had the guts to voice their thoughts out loud.

“So.” Will started, “How was the funeral?” he addressed the elephant in the room. He glanced at Jay and saw his body stiffen, a frown appeared on his face, although he knew he was going to receive that question.

Jay shrugged: “It was… you know, your usual funeral,” he responded, not willing to elaborate any further. “Sergeant Riggs was there too,” he added, referring to someone Will knew as well.

Will nodded and then got quiet. “Jay… I’m really sorry, man,” he muttered, although he didn’t really know what to say. His job kind of got him used to dealing with bad news, it was something he got familiar with, but with Jay it was different.  
Jay wasn’t someone who easily let people in and, especially in these type of circumstances and _especially_ with him – he knew his brother still resented him for not being around when their mother was sick –, it was difficult to tell what was going through his mind. Will knew Mouse was like a brother to Jay, he’d been there for him when the two of them got back in Chicago, supporting each other with the PTSD and dealing with the emotional baggage only the two of them shared. Mouse had somehow substituted him in the role Will wasn’t fit to fill at the time – the red-haired made peace with it, although it was still one of his biggest regrets.  
  
“I know. It’s fine, though,” Jay retorted, finally looking at his brother, sighing at his concerned expression. He turned to Hailey and saw she was wearing a similar look on her face: “Guys, I’m serious. It’s fine, I’m fine, you don’t need to worry about me. I mean it,” he said, displaying a forced smile and getting his attention back to Eileen, who, as if she knew who the grownups were talking about, started playing with Mouse’s tag Jay had as a necklace, along with his own.  
  
Jay chuckled at that sight, “It’s like she knows,” he commented, tenderly caressing Eileen’s cheek. “You’re so smart, mh?” he tickled her stomach.

The three remained silent, you could only hear Sebastian’s high-pitched voice and Kohl’s barks in the background. Hailey was observing Jay, wondering whether his calm demeanor was only a façade or if he really was fine: she felt like saying his last goodbye to Mouse had somehow freed Jay from the weight of guilt she _knew_ he was feeling, but she couldn’t really tell. She knew better than to ask the million questions she had on her mind, though. At least for now.

Eileen started fussing in her uncle’s arms, only to start crying a few seconds later. Will shifted closer to his brother and looked at his daughter, “I bet you’re hungry, uh, little lady?” he asked in his baby voice.  
  
The two brothers got up: Will went to the kitchen and started preparing Eileen’s bottle, while Jay started to walk back and forth, trying to calm Eileen down, slightly bouncing her every now and then.  
He noticed that Hailey was looking at him with an intense expression and narrowed his eyes, silently asking her what was going through her mind.

“You and babies, the hottest combo,” the blonde muttered bluntly, blushing right after the words came out of her mouth. Jay obviously smirked at her statement and, “Oh, is it?”, he asked rhetorically.  
  
Hailey nodded but, “Deflate your ego, Halstead,” she quickly added, dramatically rolling her blue eyes.

Jay chuckled but didn’t say anything, since Will came back and took Eileen from him, sitting back on the couch and starting feeding her. “You guys hungry? I can arrange something after this one is done,” Will suggested, his eyes not leaving his daughter, who was eagerly sipping from her bottle – she really was hungry.

“Nah, Will, don’t worry. Actually, we should probably get home…” she said, looking at Jay and seeing his nod of approval.  
  
“You sure?”

“Yeah, man. Thanks though,” Jay slightly patted his back and started looking for Sebastian’s jacket.  
  
Hailey got up as well and, “Where’s your shoes, Sebby?” she asked. Sebastian looked at her and sheepishly grinned, blushing a little. “Oh, I know that grin. C’mon, go get your shoes, mister,” she said in a more serious tone, still maintaining a relaxed expression.  
She was aware that Sebastian had hidden the shoes, so she would’ve searched for them and in that time-lapse he would spend more time playing with Kohl. The little Halstead was smart, but she was smarter.  
  
Sebastian sighed, defeated, but did as he was told, crouching down and collecting his shoes from under the couch. Will had witnessed the scene and turned his head to both Jay and Hailey, snorting: “Classic Halstead behavior,” he commented, proudly smiling at his nephew.

Jay eagerly nodded, “Exactly what I always say,” he agreed. He helped Sebastian put his shoes and jacket on, and then they were all good to go.

Hailey checked on Eileen and when she saw that she was falling asleep, “Oh. Kiss her for us and say hi to Andrea,” she muttered. Will stayed on the couch, scared that if he moved Eileen would wake up, and said goodbye. “If you need anything…” he started, intensely looking at Jay, who nodded knowingly and squeezed his shoulder: “I know, thanks man.”

The Upton-Halstead family walked towards the door, followed by Kohl. Sebastian patted the dog’s head and kissed it, “Bye-bye Kohl,” he waved his hand, pouting a bit because he didn’t want to leave him.

  
  


* * *

  
  


“After asking me four times if he can have a dog, Sebastian Eoin Halstead finally fell asleep,” Jay announced, entering the kitchen and opening the cabinet reserved for liquors only. “And I may have or may have not said _maybe_ ,” he added.  
He’d put Sebastian to sleep, a thing that left Hailey slightly surprised, since she was the one who had to do it the last couple of days, and was now ready to let loose with the help of a couple of drinks.

Hailey scoffed at him, a stern look on her face. “What? He didn’t want to sleep, I had to compromise,” Jay tried to defend himself, raising his hands in surrender.

“Yeah yeah, compromise my ass,” she walked towards him and slightly punched his bicep, then extracted two glasses from the cupboard.  
  
Jay rolled his eyes but stayed quiet. Rummaging through the cabinet, “There it is!”, he exclaimed contently and taking the glasses Hailey had put on the table, he headed towards the couch.  
Hailey followed him but went turning the lights on the dim level – there was no reason to have them full on –, then went sitting next to her fiance.

After pouring the brownish liquor in the two glasses, Jay raised her legs and put them on his own, making Hailey shift closer to him. The blonde passed his glass to him and took her own, but before taking a sip, she noticed Jay’s eyes were focused on the content of his glass. “Honey whiskey. It was his favorite, you know?” he asked rhetorically, lifting his gaze to Hailey’s face.  
  
Hailey didn’t say anything. She simply brought her lips to his shoulder, which was covered by the sleeve of the white t-shirt Jay was wearing, and placed a quick kiss on it. Her hand went to the back of his neck and started caressing it, trying to relax him.  
  
“To Mouse,” Hailey said, slightly raising her glass and showing a sympathetic smile which was matched by Jay’s. “To Mouse,” he clinked his glass to hers, and they both took a sip, making a face at the strong taste of the liquor.

Jay heavily exhaled and turned his head to Hailey, clearing his voice. “Sergeant Riggs, the one we met this morning… – he started, and when he say Hailey nod her head he continued – back in Afghanistan, first tour, we were all kids, basically. One day Mouse and I were having a slow day and decided to go out in town. We enter a shop and see this bottle of honey whiskey, Mouse says it’s his favorite and that he misses the taste of it. And of course on the book we’re not allowed to drink, yeah?” he checked on Hailey who was looking at him, her blue eyes focused on the million freckles on his face. She nodded his way.  
“So, yeah. We buy it and get back to the military base. Sergeant Riggs somehow finds out that we bought alcohol and takes the bottle from us. Mouse and I are shitting our pants, thinking _cool, we’re fucked_. Riggs calls us the same night, and we think he’s gonna make us, I don’t know, run a marathon with 200 pounds on our shoulders or something – Jay chuckled and took a quick sip – but guess what? He says _Kids, if you’re gonna break the rules and get drunk you might as well share the experience with your Sergeant_ and then takes a sip straight from the bottle,” he concluded the story, implying that that night they he and Mouse got drunk with the complicity of their Sergeant.

Hailey pressed her lips together and smiled, her eyes not leaving his face. “Always the rule-breaker, uh?” she commented, sipping from her glass and shaking her head at him.

  
She heard him sigh, his tongue wetting his lips. “I’m conflicted…” he stated, pouting, and that’s when Hailey knew he was ready to talk and voice his feelings. They’d come a long way: she didn’t have to push him to talk anymore, but just had to wait for Jay to be ready. And he was ready now. “I wish things went differently, or that I could somehow have changed his mind but at the same time I kind of made peace with what happened,” he confessed, locking eyes with Hailey.  
  
She put her glass on the coffee table and wrapped her arm around his, “There’s nothing you could’ve done. I know _you_ know it,” she muttered, hiding a loose strand of hair behind her ear. Jay was a pro at beating himself up whenever he though he was at fault, it was part of his character. She looked at him intently, “Whether he decided to do it with a clear mind or not, the fact that he wrote you a letter… it was his choice,” she meant what she said. It was hard to accept but it was also the truth – an ugly one, of course.

“Mh.” he looked in front of him, his eyes lost for a moment, and then back to Hailey. “I understand him… at least the Jay of many years ago does,” implying that he once was feeling so down that his mind had taken him to the darkest places, making him consider options he didn’t really have the courage to pursue – luckily so.  
Hailey almost chocked on her breath at that revelation. Throughout the years, Jay had told her – sometimes not directly – how bad his depression got when he came back from Afghanistan, but he never suggested to her the idea that he’d thought about ending his life.

Tears started forming at the corner of Hailey’s eyes. The thought of Jay feeling that lost at life shattered her heart and the fact that he was still there with her, in the flesh, was not something to be taken for granted – especially with this freshly acquired information.  
  
Jay noticed the redness and puffiness around Hailey’s eyes, her nose was starting to redden as well. “Hey, – he kissed her forehead – It’s fine now,” he gently lifted her head, so she would look at his eyes. “I never had the guts and I’m grateful for that. Wouldn’t be here with you and the little rascal who _really_ wants a dog otherwise,” he said, making Hailey snort at the mention of Sebastian.

“I’m glad too,” Hailey mumbled, shooting a smile his way, “I’m proud of you.”  
Jay wrapped his arms around her, inhaling the peachy scent of her hair and then slightly moved her head to focus his gaze on her lips, tenderly kissing them right after – the taste of the whiskey still there.  
  
When they pulled away, “Jay,” she called him.

“Mh?”

“Are you sure it is _only_ Sebastian who wants the dog?”

“Busted,” Jay chuckled, “Would a _really_ intense kissing session convince you?”  
  
Hailey blushed and bit her lips, “I don’t think so, but there’s no harm in trying. Let’s see where it takes us,” she smirked.

“Oh, I can definitely work with that,” he stated before putting his lips on hers again.

**Author's Note:**

> Faaaaam, what's good? I hope y'all doing fine.  
> I'm back with another os and, as you can see, it's like a conclusion to If you're reading this it's too late.  
> To be honest with you, I'm not completely sure about the first part (I probably wanted it to be a bit darker, but here's what I came up with), but I really enjoyed writing the second part.  
> I don't know what else to say, I suck at these kind of things lol, so let me know what you think – comments are always gladly accepted.  
> As always, let me (politely) know if I made any type of errors. Writing in a different language from my L1 is fun and challenging but, you know, it's also still a learning process.  
> Time for me to go. Wear your masks and stay safe!  
> (If you use Twitter, my username is 5021ZAIN, let's be friends!)


End file.
